my phone needs a breathalizer
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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