the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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