U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
