Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just forgot I was standing up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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