That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
