I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
