I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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