alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
