i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
