hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
