hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
