Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
