I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my being single is dangerous.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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