awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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