I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
