he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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