Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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