$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You are the jesus of drinking
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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