Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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