Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
