just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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