After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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