Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
