I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
