we're chasing vodka with high fives
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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