I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
