He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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