Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
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when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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