high people should be assigned attendants
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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