im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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