I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
