Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
