I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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