Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
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Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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