i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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