why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
