Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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