they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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