You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
