the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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