I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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