There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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