I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
