Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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