I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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