Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.