Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
