so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
