hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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