Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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