Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
