I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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