Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
