I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
