WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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