My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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