He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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