if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
