goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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